The Immolation of Calories

I still am re-located at

2009-09-17T20:48:00.000-07:00

http://zxvasdf.wordpress.com/

I have re-located

2008-04-16T10:33:00.000-07:00

http://zxvasdf.wordpress.com/

THE CLINIC BY THEODORE STURGEON excerpt

2005-09-23T16:52:00.000-07:00

It is night by the lake, the moon is burst and leaking yellow to me over the black alive water and Elena by me. I say, "I go soonly."
She breathe, I hear.
I say, "Tree finish, tree die. Sickness finish, sickness gone. House finish, workmen leave. Is right."
"Don't go. Don't go yet, Nemo."
"Seed sprout, child grow, bird fly. Something finish, something change. I finish."
She say, "Not so soon."
"Bury plant? Tie boy to cradle? Nail wings to nest?"

OFFENSIVE SHIT

2005-09-21T22:00:00.000-07:00

http://www.b0g.org/wsnm/offensive/

jesus. after looking at a couple of these pictures, i was sickened. for a span of time, i viewed humans as they truly are, meat. slabs and slabs of meat to be battered, picked at, and taken apart. meat without the spark of life, the soul that animates the flesh. that must be how mendel, saddam, and the countless of faceless bloodthirsty sonsofbitches stretching back into the mire of time must have viewed the human flesh. just a thing to be played with, cheap and expendable. i shudder to think that there are still people like that walking around.

MORE THAN HUMAN

2005-09-21T10:01:00.000-07:00

by theodore sturgeon. this is a stunning book about an unexpected development of the human organism.

EXCERPT:

He wished he had sense enough to learn to read.
He left the house without looking back and plunged into the forest. He never returned. The truck stood out in the sun, slowly deteriorating slowly weakening its already low resistance to rust, slowly falling to pieces around the bright, strong, strange silver cables. Powered inexhaustibly by the slow release of atomic binding energy, the device was the practical solution to flight without wings, the simple key to a new era in transportation, in materials handling, and in interplanetary travel. Made by an idiot, harnessed idiotically to replace a spavined horse, stupidly left, numbly forgotten... Earth's first anti-gravity generator.
The idiot!

AND YOU THOUGHT BEING A HORSE'S ASS WASN'T IMPORTANT?

2005-09-21T09:59:00.000-07:00

JUST A QUESTION OF STANDARDS

Does the statement, "We've always
done it that way" ring any bells...?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4
feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English
expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who
built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they
used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and
tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel
spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel
spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels
would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England,
because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and
England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever
since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else
had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since
the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike
in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches
is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial
Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always
done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that,
you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war
chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back
ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there
are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main
fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs
are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who
designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit
fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory
to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a
tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that
tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track,
and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as
two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the
world's most advanced transportation system was determined over
two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important ??

FEAR AND LOATHING IN AMES

2005-09-12T12:55:00.000-07:00

well this is nowhere close to hunter s. thompson's classic, probably because ah'm gonna sum it all up in a nutshell. otherwise i d have a best seller in me hands. *chuckles* yeah right. two friends shared a bday on the same weekend, and we figured we'd join in on the fun. i d say one of the highlights of the weekend was i got to piss on the isu campus. my urine splattered on the sidewalk while drunken revelers milled about. that was the night of the isu cyclones vs. iowa hawkeyes game. shit! there sure were a lot of people there who started tailgating at 6 am, and i m not surprised they didnt stop partying until 6 am the next day. word of caution, three or four packs of cigarettes, two thirty packs of cheap beer, southern comfort, and some fucking nasty irish whiskey(not quite nasty if you need to do some system cleaning the hard way, and by that i mean projectile vomiting. i m glad i was able to get in control of my digestive system before it got to that point, but i dont think the same could be said for one of my friends) doesnt make for a good weekend. well it was a good weekend, but i am still recuperating, if you call lying around like a zombie recuperating. good timing though, cause there is a zombie flick from the video store laying around also. right now, for some reason, my left eye wont stop twitching. arrgh!

MANNEQUINS AND LIGHTNING

2005-09-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

should i be ashamed that mannequins at the mall turn me on? is there something wrong with me? they re more attractive than half the women i see at the mall. in my defense, they sure make 'em provocative these days...

upon exiting the mall i smiled when i saw that the day had turned into night. massive clouds had converged into a huge roiling mess, pregnant with imminent fat drops. i got to see the most awesome light show i ve seen in a while, which made me think... could lightning be used as an alternative energy source?

a single stroke of lightning is approximately 1021 watts, and a multitude of those could add up to the 1 to 3 gigawatt, the output of various power generation stations from hydroelectrics to nuclear power. a sort of cloud chamber the size of the uhh, the new orleans conference center, perhaps? clouds could be simulated to produce the negative particles required for the transmission of lightning to the ground. there could be a receiver plate that gathers in the lightning and transfers it to some storage facility.

i admit that my knowledge of power production is meager at most, and that it s probably more feasible in the imagination than on the drawing board. for one, if such a concept is possible, is the power(along with financal investment, labor, etc) input worth the output? on a clear day, sunshine can provide up to 750 watts on a square meter surface. would the lightning input be better, especially if it s possible to stimulate the chamber in a way for lightning to strike at a higher frequency, maybe at 1000 or so per minute?

i still think mannequins are sexy :o

The Road to Dune

2005-08-27T07:20:00.000-07:00

He came curiously to the realization that he no longer cared where he was in the universe. He felt that he had lived a preassigned role and come to the end of it without an audience. There should be applause, he thought, but there's no audience. Well-remembered stars occupied their positions in the sky, but they no longer represented directions to him nor could he think of them as signposts. There was merely space all around him laid out against an enormous background of Time. The stars peered past him and through him like the empty eyes of his subject people. They were the sealed eyes of ignorance, always seeking to avoid their responsive status as human senses. They were the eyes from which nothing escaped.
-Paul Muad'dib
The Road To Dune by Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson

This excerpt is a part of the original ending of Dune Messiah, which was edited out for publication reasons. The Road to Dune is a storehouse of treasures, featuring deleted bits and pieces of Dune and Dune Messiah. It gives the reader an insight of the master's thoughts and views at the time. This collection also includes the original notes for an article about sand dunes enroaching a small town in oregon, and the steps taken to harness the problem(a special kind of grass with roots that interlock underground, similar to the growth of mycelium). It is interesting to note that countries smack dab in deserts such as Israel were immensely interested in the innovations made in Oregon, so interested that they sent experts overseas on a fact-finding expedition. This is the very endeavour that inspired the Dune novels.

The Road of Dune also includes the original Dune novel intended for publication, entitled The Spice World, with familiar characters with unfamiliar names. The Spice World was written to conform to the publisher's view of the expected length of a science-fiction novel of the time. Thank god Herbert decided to forge on and write the longest science-fiction novel known at the time, refusing to sell out to the expectations of the time. After over twenty rejections by publishers just because it was too long and too complex, an editor at Chilton (known as the publisher of auto repair handbooks) took the risk and brought Dune into publication. The editor lost his job because of this, but thanks to his insight, one of the greatest novels ever published hit the bookshelves. The Road to Dune also includes four original short stories by Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson. The short stories span the Dune saga, from Dune by Frank, the prequel Dune novels by the duo, and the Legends of Dune, also by the duo. This book is a worthy read if you are a hardcore fan of the Dune novels.

I also have heard that the duo is working on a seventh book, detailing the events after Chapterhouse: Dune, where Duncan and Sheena have escaped into the next universe with the last surviving sandworm, from which the spice flows. I dont know the veracity of this, considering the authors are very busy with their own projects these days, though the thought is nice...

SEX 101

2005-08-25T18:43:00.000-07:00

boredom settled upon me like a layer of thousand year old dust. yep, that bad, considering i ve forgotten how to entertain myself these days with means other than a computer, a good book, or wild flights of fancy. lawd lawd lawd. the cry of the laptop on the digital veldt. i sat down and messed around with al gore's alleged invention and stumbled upon this nifty sex site. nookie has been one of the predominant things on my mind, probably because i havent been getting enough of it. this site is awesome, especially when it comes to the kama sutra. dont you know how hard it is to find a decent site with free descriptions of kama sutra positions? yep i admit i m a cheap bastard. it pays to be cheap.

gotta love the elaborate (to the point of absurdity) descriptions.

Stiff as a pole in the bed's center,
she lies making love,
cooing and warbling like a woodpigeon,
the jewel of her clitoris well-polished:
this is Mausala (the Pestle).

Kneeling between her thighs,
tickle her breasts and under her arms,
call her 'my lovely darling'
and print deep nailmarks around her nipples:
thus Jaya (Victory) is expounded.

With delicate fingertips,
pinch the arched lips of her house of love
very very slowly together,
and kiss them as though you kissed her lower lip:
this is Adhara-sphuritam (the Quivering Kiss).

Cup, lift her young buttocks,
let your tongue-tip probe her navel, slither down
to rotate skilfully in the archway
of the love-god's dwelling and lap her love-water:
this is Uchchushita (Sucked Up).

this one made me chuckle. do i dare? who knew a monkey's turd would be capable of erasing a man s frustration at satisfying his lover... not that i m saying i have that problem :o

To Enslave a Lover:
Anoint your penis, before lovemaking,
with honey into which
you have powered black pepper,
long pepper and datura (the green thorn apple)
it will utterly devastate your lady.
Leaves caught as they fall from trees
and powdered with peacock-bone
and fragments of a corpse's winding-sheet
will, when dusted lightly
on the penis, bewitch any woman living.
If you crush milky chunks of cactus
with sulphur and realgar,
dry the mixture seven times, powder it
and apply it to your penis,
you'll satisfy the most demanding lover.
And if, to these powerful ingredients,
you add a monkey's turd,
grind them together and sprinkle the powder
on your unsuspecting lover's head,
she will be your devoted slave for life.

jesus! well i had better go wasp hunting before the cold drives them away, and how do i explain to my folks the hole in my bed!?

Enlarging the Penis or Yoni (Vagina):
First rub your penis with wasp stings
and massage it with sweet oil.
When it swells, let it dangle for ten nights
through a hole in your bed,
going to sleep each night on your stomach.
After this period use a cool ointment
to remove the pain and swelling.
By this method men ... of insatiable
sexual appetite, manage to keep
their penises enlarged throughout their lives.
By applying an ointment made from
crushed barleria leave
to her yoni , the elephant (large) woman
can spend at least one night
discovering the delights of being a doe (small woman).
Likewise the doe can use honey
mixed with powdered roots
of lotus, madder, sal (tree of aromatic gum),
the blue lotus and the mongoose plant
to accomodate a stallion for one night.

an e-demonstration of the respective male and female orgasmic experience

an interesting dissertation on male kegels and how it can lead to a multi-orgasmic experience for the dumber half of the species. speaking of multi-orgasms, i oughta go practice.

kudos.

SONGS OF THE MORBID by yours truly

2005-08-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

take a dump
its almost as good as going for a hump
it s not as godly as a fart
but in itself it is a form of art
say good bye to your bowels
and go easy on the butt rubbing towels

eat beans, show your appreciation for the gastronomical chorus
beans are a delight to eat and expel
eat beans, and piss your sister off her horse
beans are how you make your butt yell

what makes a burp holy, you may ask
its quite the exciting task
forcing hot air up your esophagus
nothing like a thaumaturgus
to make your day
after a stint at the buffet

on cold days it s a major dwarf,
but get it going, it ll morph
into something gosh darn tall,
(or at least it thinks so)
always up for a good ball
(though its known to blow)
get it too eager
its mind becomes meager
and its single eye is bound to tear
and shrink without a care

it can be as yellow as the sun
or have the color of none
some hours it s an ocean pouring out
other hours it s a drought
nevertheless its always good
because you know you should
your kidney will thank you
besides, its faster than a poo

MY CRAZY WIFE... AGAIN by yours truly

2005-08-24T14:12:00.000-07:00

My wife.
So vital... so insane.
A feral creature from the mire of human legend.
She lurched above me.
Pounding me into the bed.
I felt a beam break.
There goes another paycheck.
She howled fuck the Red Sox!
I wondered what the Red Sox had done to her.
Fuck the White Sox!
That I could understand.
Bleaching whites weren't exactly her strongest suit.
She collapsed over me.
Buried my face in her lovely quivering globes.
And proceeded to choke me half to death.
Good time for the bed to split apart.
Like the San Andreas fault.
Sweet, sweet air!
There's such a thing as too much love.
Almost worth that nail in the ass.
Still gasping for oxygen, I looked up.
Big mistake.
Not again.
I knew I shouldn't have installed that chandelier.
For the third time.
You would have thought I'd have learned something.
Me Jane, you Tarzan!
A shadow descended upon me.
Oh crap.
My wife.

MY CRAZY WIFE by yours truly

2005-08-19T19:44:00.000-07:00

Not everyone could boast having a crazy wife.
Not that I'm saying your wife isn't, mind you.
She probably is.
You know how wives can be.
But my missus, she was honest to God full-blown batshit.
Mood swings.
Invisible friends.
Flying frogs dripping golden ichor while singing lamentations.
The whole she-bang.
She definitely fit the bill.
The poster girl for Sunnyvale Sanitarium.
And that was just on her good days!
And I loved her.
Doctors called it schizoprenia.
Her condition, not me loving her.
I called it an interesting distraction.
Again, her condition, not me loving her.
There was an upside to the whole off her rocker affair.
There always is.
She could never get enough of it.
Everyone should know what I am talking about when I say "it."
Boy, after a long, hard day at work it's a long, hard night in the sack.
She was quite imaginative.
I reckon being crazy had something to do with it.
It helped to be a good sport.
That was the third bed in six months.
It also helped to have a fat paycheck at the end of each month.
But I drew the line at fire throwing in bed.
She called that particular position Great Balls of Fire.
I didn't want to make it literal.
She was a beast between the sheets.
And outside the sheets.
In the kitchen.
In the fireplace (don't ask).
On the roof (I told you she was imaginative).
In the-- well, you get the idea.
The contortations of her face would have put Linda Blair to shame.
Hell, if a priest ever performed a coitus interruptus, well, hello thar, exorcism!
I reckon an exorcism would probably have helped.
After all she was schizoprenic.
Isn't that just another word for being beset with demons?